My Thoughts While Watching… The Faculty (1998)

I’ve seen plenty of Buzzfeed posts floating around where people write a list of thoughts while watching a movie. I read one years ago where someone watched all of the Harry Potter movies for the first time while live tweeting and writing a post per movie. I still quote a lot of what he said to this day. #Wood4Wood.

Anyway, I have taken inspiration and have decided to try it for myself. Of course they will be horror movies and possibly TV shows. They don’t have to be first time watches. It just gives me something productive to do while watching TV.

I’m going to say here, this is only some fun. Just because I make a few jokes about the movie, it doesn’t mean I don’t like the movie.

I will number everything to kind of break it up and there will be SPOILERS. Here we go…

Okay, full disclosure. I haven’t seen this movie in a long time. Like a really long time. I’m actually ashamed it’s been so long.
This was one of my favourite movies growing up. It’s one of the rare films that I used to watch everyday for about six months.
This will be my first time watching it on Blu-Ray.
The Offspring! Classic.
I watched Idle Hands at Halloween 2020 with a friend of mine who is ten years younger than me. He didn’t know who The Offspring were. That makes me sad. And old.
They were one of the best things about playing Crazy Taxi. The soundtrack was mostly made up of their songs. I don’t care what Lorelai says, they do not play the same four chords over and over. Don’t be a dick about The Offspring!
Wow, Robert Patrick starts this movie in full T-1000 mode. I guess that makes him being calm after getting taken over more disturbing and obvious that something is afoot.
And yes, I am singing along to The Kids Aren’t Alright. I’m doing a strange little dance as we go.
The casting of the teachers is so impressive; Bebe Neuwirth, Piper Laurie, Salma Hayek, Famke Janssen, Robert Patrick, Jon Stewart, and Daniel von Bargen. And that’s just the titular faculty.
This might just be me being paranoid, but I wouldn’t enter an empty school at night alone without flicking on a few light switches.
You’ve always wanted to stab the principle in the hand with a pencil? What a strange desire.
Where’s Frasier when you need him?
Robert Patrick running full force at you in shorts while blowing a whistle has got to be more terrifying than the T-1000 ever was.
© Dimension Films
Now he’s just replaying the character if he was a high school football coach.
Prick. Hahaha.
Elbow to the face!
72 minutes to apply lipstick?
Also, I always thought she said Es-Delilah lips, because her name is Delilah. Turns out it’s Estee Lauder. My whole life is a lie.
Wouldn’t having your junk repeatedly smashed into a flag pole make you throw up? I mean I don’t have personal experience, but it’s what I would expect. Hobbits must have extra strong bollocks, he’s not even limping later.
© Dimension Films
This is now as uncomfortable to watch as That 70s Show. If you don’t know what I mean, I’m not going to tell you.
Why would you put a pen in your eye? I mean I know it’s foreshadowing, but still. I think most people would jam a pen in their eye for Salma Hayek.
© Dimension Films
Also why is Jon Stewart’s name Edward Furlong in this movie?
They’re all pretty harsh about Principle Drake in this movie. She doesn’t have the authority to make all of the decisions about what they want. That falls on the school board. It’s not her fault that they want all of the money to go towards the football team. Don’t shoot the messenger. I get that she’s a bit tough, but that’s probably because her job is tough. And because she’s a woman, they treat her like she’s a bitch. If it was a man, he would simply be an authority figure. My point is, she doesn’t deserve to die from sunstroke, Daniel!
Okay so, she’s pissed because cheerleaders date jocks and not smart lads. But she’s on the school paper, which after years of watching American teen movies and TV shows have told me, isn’t a usual combination. So how can she be a cheerleader (probably head cheerleader) and the editor of the paper, but he can’t quit football to focus on a real education without her being a judgy dick about it?
No one’s clapping, Stan.
Goth girl who keeps to herself is a lesbian… cliche…? Delilah sucks.
I’m just going to insert a reminder right here. I genuinely do love this movie.
Are students not allowed to eat lunch in the fresh air?
Don’t give him the idea of chasing you. You’ll regret it. He’ll blow his whistle while doing it. You’ll never sleep again.
Zeke’s such a smarty-pants. If only he’d apply himself.
Blood fart? WTF Stokely?
Check his prostate? WTF Furlong?
Probably from it’s mouth, Casey. Where we all keep our teeth.
Wouldn’t it be our asses? Or do they all share one ass?
Anal probe? WTF Usher?
A the joys of subtitles. Apparently I’ve been mishearing around 70% of the dialogue for the last 20+ years.
That’s quite the gooey clump of hair he pulled off there.
Dude’s just standing there… On the field… With the sprinklers on…
Horny little creeps are pretty gullible. Plus the guy in the baseball cap looks waaaaay too old to be here. Is it ‘bring your creepy uncle to school’ day?
Jean Grey doesn’t approve of selling fake porn, ground up caffeine pills in pens, or chocolate laxatives on school grounds.
Just 5%. That’s not asking a lot. Come on Zeke, get your head out of your ass and into your books.
It’s kind of creepy that he he’s a year older than everyone else because he repeated senior year when he’s clearly smart enough to have graduated. It’s like he stayed out of choice. If he doesn’t apply that 5% he’s gonna be that 30-year-old in the back of the class with the racing form with his teenage kid. He’s going to be live-action Kearney from The Simpsons.
Geeky Stephen King kid? You made that up.
Yes, calling a girl a bitch is totally flirting. Delilah sucks
So, they hide in the cupboard when Margaret and Bob enter. Then Casey SMELLS HER HAIR, and she just kind of smirks about it?! Come on, Eli! Don’t be gross.
© Dimension Films
Zombie Selma.
We already knew that Delilah is a selfish bitch by how she treated her boyfriend. Why do we need to hammer it home by having her running away after Casey falls in the hall? Or is a display of Casey’s clumsiness?
If they’re hiding a dead body in a closet, why would they leave it in there after it was discovered by two students so they can come back with the police and expose they’re whole operation? Come on, Casey! Use your head.
Yes, police officer. Follow me into my office, away from prying eyes. Nothing nefarious will happen.
No one wants to be alone with Lilith Crane.
Roll credits.
Creed! I’m pretty lonely on this hill of mine.
And they’re covering an Alice Cooper song. I’m totally into this.
Are we saying that his parents have been take over? Cause it kind of looks like they’ve been take over.
A devil’s cult. Great reasoning.
Following high school football, Stokely? Give back your Goth lesbian card, you’re out of the club. Wait…
© Dimension Films
The boy just wants his D!
Someone just sobered up.
Tell us about your family. I want names and addresses!
No, we totally don’t want to kill the alien queen this early on.
Stan doesn’t know his girlfriend wears glasses? Is their high school relationship not as deep and meaningful as I have been lead to believe through their prior loving interactions? Are they merely together because of the order of things in the school? Are they not soulmates?
20 years later and I still find that toxic and abusive teenage relationship between the fuck you boy and fuck you girl as hilarious as Zeke does. Fun fact: they were played by Jon Abrahams and Summer Phoenix respectively. And yes, she is Joaquin’s younger sister.
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I wanna buy all the stuff that can kill us. Everything is totally above board here.
I still remember it word for word and it’s still very satisfying. You go, girl!
“That was a joke”. No, that was a reference. This is the teen version of Invasion of the Body Snatchers, don’t bullshit me Kevin Williamson!
And the fact that he found a little parasite thing on the football field the day before that split into two and bit the teacher isn’t a clue? Of course there are no pods, Casey, they’re the parasites.
So she didn’t fill Stan in completely then?
Not really human like behaviour there, Furlong. Piece of advice: if you don’t want people to suspect you of being an alien, act like a human being. That’ll actually throw them off.
I love his reaction to getting his fingers sliced off. It’s just “goddammit”. I’m surprised he didn’t just say “you cut off my fingers you little shit!”. That would have been funnier.
Why do Stan and Stokely keep getting so touchy feely in this scene? I know they end up together but it’s still pretty strange considering they’ve only had one pleasant interaction with each other. Earlier that day. It’s hardly a meaningful connection.
Don’t worry kids, he’s not dead. Somehow.
Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?
Something is definitely afoot. The toxic couple are not behaving toxically. That’s a word right? I mean spellcheck hasn’t told me otherwise.
© Dimension Films

© Dimension Films
If Usher asks you to play with him, you play with him. If Usher asks you to kick a small child, you kick a small child. My point is… Actually I don’t know.
See! I knew they were going to take over the police force. These aliens are smrt.
Mouse murder.
Not all parasites control their host. If you get a tapeworm, its not controlling you and causing you to spread the tapeworm parasite by sticking your tongue in someone’s ear. Dammit, Zeke, just an extra 5%.
Aliens are taking over, but yes Delilah, take a moment to be a dick and make bitchy comments about Stokely. We’ll wait.
Let her leave. No one will miss her.
Miss Lesbian? WTF Delilah. Her dialogue, much like her personality, sucks. Nothing she says is clever or witty, despite her constant smirking.
“Casey, when did you become Sigourney Weaver?”. Wow, that was actually her best line of dialogue. Too late, I already hate her.
No one will be seated during the “The Thing” portion of the movie. This was a direct homage by the way. It’s appreciated.
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So Zeke says he doesn’t get high off his own stash after saying they’re all going to take it to prove they’re human. Dude, you’re the grown up here. Grow up and snort some caffeine pills with the kids.
Don’t try this at home kiddies. Seriously don’t. I was quite impressionable at this time and weirdly curious about snorting powder in a pen. But I used talcum powder. Needless to say, it was a horrible idea and I learned a valuable lesson. It put me off talc and the smell of pear toiletries for life.
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“It’s so 80s”. Someone’s read American Psycho. That’s right, it was a book first. The movie didn’t come out until two years later. Hey, they snorted sweetener in that movie. This is more like Boogie Nights. Two really good movies.
What exactly is other household shit?
So we have to go through the rigamarole of each character refusing to snort, then Zeke peer pressuring them into doing it. It’s like an after school special on drugs.
“Well I’m Portuguese, who cares?”. I forgot about that line. It’s actually funny. At least Zeke thinks so. Actually, Jordana Brewster was born in Panama and her mother is Brazilian, so she’s not too far off. Right?
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I just noticed the look Marybeth gives Delilah before they both prepare to snort. They’re both aliens, but Marybeth is going to fake taking it, and Delilah is going to get caught, like she’s doing it to take the heat off of her. That’s actually clever. I wonder if Marybeth changed her, or if when they get taken over they instinctively know that she’s the queen. She’s totes the queen by the way. Spoiler.
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It’s usually the one who accuses everyone else the loudest. Like she who smelt it dealt it. Only it’s, she who casts doubt is the real alien. Or something that rhymes.
© Dimension Films
Never give Stokely a gun, apparently. She went to the stormtrooper school of aiming at things.
And now there are no more drugs. Goddammit.
Yes, Marybeth, we totally believe you’re tweaking on the drugs you totally just took.
See, now they’re spreading it to another school. Where will it end?
Lilith may be many things, but an alien queen she is not.
Good idea. Give the last of the alien killing drug to the alien queen. What could go wrong?
Is she looking at Marybeth? She’s totally looking at Marybeth.
She just poured the last of the stash all over her. That’s a surprise. Didn’t see that coming.
Run, Stan, run!
We’re quickly running out of scat.
Actually, Casey, I think it’s inconvenient. Oh, you were being facetious. Good job, Kiddo.
That’s right, use the clumsy non-runner as a decoy.
I don’t think a teacher going to a student for condoms is all that ethical. I know he’s like 30, but still. Okay, 18. Same diff.
Who cares if the effects are very 1998, it adds to the charm.
Ouchie. I no longer have the desire to go swimming… Chekhov’s swimming pool?
She attacked me. And stole my clothes. Okay…
Oh my god, she got Stokely! Who saw that coming?
“If I have to Men In Black your ass, you’re gonna fucking sniff it.”. This may be the best line of dialogue in the whole movie,
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It is a tad anti-climactic. It’s like Casey isn’t cool enough for a bad ass Ripley style fight. The lad’s going to go through worse in a few years. Mordore is really going to kick his ass.
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Guaranteed to jack you up.
One month later and Bob’s gone back to psycho mode.
I would have been majorly devastated if Usher hadn’t come out of this unscathed.
I love how everyone got a scene from earlier in the film for the credits, except for Jon Stewart. We needed that reassurance that he survived. And can no longer hold a doughnut.
© Dimension Films
I only just discovered the credit song is sung by Oasis. It’s so obvious.

This is one of those movies I can talk about for hours. There’s so much to unpack and discuss. It’s too bad it wasn’t more successful, because it deserves to be. At least is has a cult following now.

My Thoughts While Watching… The Faculty (1998)

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