My Thoughts While Watching… The Blair Witch Project (1999)

I’ve seen plenty of Buzzfeed posts floating around where people write a list of thoughts while watching a movie. I read one years ago where someone watched all of the Harry Potter movies for the first time while live tweeting and writing a post per movie. I still quote a lot of what he said to this day. #Wood4Wood.

Anyway, I have taken inspiration and have decided to try it for myself. Of course, they will be horror movies and possibly TV shows. They don’t have to be first-time watches. It just gives me something productive to do while watching TV.

I’m going to say here that this is only some fun. Just because I make a few jokes about the movie doesn’t mean I don’t like it.

I will number everything to kind of break it up and there will be SPOILERS. Here we go…

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1. Ok, so the movie isn’t on Netflix anymore… I guess I’ll have to check JustWatch.
2. I see… DVD it is then.
3. This is why I still buy DVDs and Blu-rays instead of relying solely on streaming. For occasions such as these.
4. Wow, the disc is well used. Covered in all sorts, it is. I hope a good cleaning is enough. I had to replace my Ring DVD because it was covered in scratches and kept skipping whole scenes. Hopefully, that won’t be the case here. Fingers crossed.
5. Not that it matters; I’ll probably get it on Blu-ray at some point.

   

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6. So the last time I watched this, which was probably only a few months ago on Netflix, I put the subtitles on and it was kind of a different experience than usual. I’ll do that again.
7. I love how they have Josh screaming on the main menu. Something else I quote on the regular.
8. I’ve never actually watched a movie with commentary before. I always thought it might be too distracting. Another time…
9. Ooooh, special features!
10. Wow, a 44-minute documentary. Oh, go on, then!
11. This is what happens when I watch DVDs.
12. I should do this more often, especially when I have so many horror DVDs and Blu-Rays with special features.
13. Oh, it’s a mockumentary to go with the movie. About the characters like they’re real people. I’ve never seen this before. It’s a bit like The Poughkeepsie Tapes. I like it.

    

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14. I know that Josh is still alive. I saw him in both Unsane and The Bates Motel. You cannot get me with your lies, mockumentary!
15. I’m learning about historical witchcraft and I’m enjoying it.
16. They’ve even included 1970s archive footage of a male witch. I really commend them for their efforts in making this as realistic as possible. As a fan of 70s cinema, I think this looks legit.

    

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17. That was fun! Ooooh, newly discovered footage. It’s only 5 minutes
18. Right, so they think that it’s people messing with them rather than a witch, and Mike is still sorry that he kicked the map into the creek. Awesome.
19. Now onto the main feature.
20. Subtitles on.
21. I love the simple style of the opening credits and title card. I don’t need them to be fancy.

    

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22. So the subtitles say that the guy Heather is talking to who is also filming her is called Lonnie, and I just want to know who that is.
23. The song playing in the car sounds like Placebo, but it isn’t… Probably too expensive for their teeny budget. They had to toss most of it for the Gilligan’s Island theme song later.
24. So Heather doesn’t know Mike, but the mockumentary said that Josh does…?
25. Aww Mike is excited. What a shame.
26. I love that this movie is set around Halloween.

    

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27. The waitress is played by the director’s sister.

    

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28. Whenever I hear bloodletting, I think of that Concrete Blonde song, which I was actually listening to earlier. That wasn’t random; Josh suggested them bleeding on the clapperboard for a little bloodletting on the slate. Just reading the subtitles here.
29. Mike is straight-up chewing that thing, not licking it.

    

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30. I wonder how many 70+ year olds they talked to who would remember the unusual amount of child deaths in the 1940s…
31. I love that kid! She’s one of the best parts of the movie. Ingrid doesn’t like spooky stories.

    

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32. I’ve never understood why they made one face the corner while he killed the other.
33. Oh, it’s so they aren’t just watching them. A self-conscious murderer, I see.
34. So she made her own gate. Right on. Very environmental.

    

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35. I’m not sure why she’s standing like she’s posing for an oil painting, though.

    

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36. It’s not really a scary story. Mary clearly isn’t used to talking to the MTV generation and has no idea how desensitised we are.
37. We’re less than 10 minutes in and I’m on number 37 already. This is going to be long.
38. Since I’m not well versed in cameras, the whole conversation about it being in metres and feet has gone over my head.
39. What are Utz? I might Google.
40. I, too, hate Scotch. Luckily, they don’t throw you out of Scotland for not liking whisky.

    

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41. Ah, so they’re crisps/potato chips. Gotcha. The subtitles have added more layers to the story.
42. You never hear her ask for anyone else’s permission to use their image on camera. Odd.
43. Apparently, these two are supposed to be father and son-in-law, in case you were wondering about their connection.

    

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44. The subtitles are a bit subpar, tbh. Actually, that’s being polite. The Netflix ones were better.
45. See, when we see the woods in black and white, we miss the beautiful autumnal setting! You see?
46. Bye, water bottle!

    

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47. Haha, dirty be-hind.

    

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48. Ah, fall rain in the woods. Lovely.
49. I’m just picturing a cackling owl. That would be creepy.
50. Our little Mikey. Adorable.
51. Making piss videos in the woods.

    

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52. First argument about being lost.
53. Jeremy…

    

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54. How did they get the DAT across?
55. Dude guys?
56. I don’t remember Mary Brown talking about rock piles. It obviously wasn’t important enough to include in the film.
57. “Flames are licking you like the devil there, Josh.” Classic Heather.

    

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58. I’m sure there exists Gilligan’s Island orgy porn somewhere out there.
59. Don’t trust Josh around your stone piles, people. He’ll just knock them right over.

    

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60. “We were sleeping”? What an odd thing to say when you think some stranger is messing around in the woods.
61. Leave Mike alone. I wouldn’t go running around in the woods in the middle of the night if I thought someone was out there, either. But I guess I’m not Heather Donahue strong.
62. No, I have not seen Deliverance.
63. Mike has the most common sense. It could be a bunch of nutters running around messing with them. Leave them be.
64. I’m naturally suspicious of yellow raincoats in horror. They pop up way too often and I am not comfortable with that.

    

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65. Argument number 2 about being lost.

    

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66. Don’t turn the camera off. We won’t be able to watch the movie if you do that.
67. Please stop saying DAT. I don’t actually know what that means. Is it the equipment?
68. October in Maryland is cold? Didn’t see that coming…
69. There’s a lot of rustling and cracking going on out there. I’d probably be hiding and crying in the tent at this point.
70. We’re going to get what could possibly be deer on DAT.
71. Now I’m picturing deer with human feet. These are some effed-up woods with creepy hybrid animals. Complete with cackling owls. I feel like Annihilation may have gotten ideas from here.
72. More rock piles. Just keep Josh away from them or he’ll recklessly knock them over.

    

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73. Stop telling her to turn the camera off. You know you’re in a horror movie, right?
74. So now the map is gone. I wonder where it is…

    

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75. No, Mike, you have it.
76. Wouldn’t you just follow the river upstream to get out? I mean, I know it won’t make a difference because the witch isn’t going to let them leave, but wouldn’t that be something you would try?
77. Aw, now their feet are all wet.
78. Josh is upset about all the map talk.

    

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79. Mike keeps laughing and now he’s confessing to kicking the map into the creek. I’ll have whatever he’s smoking.
80. I don’t condone violence but how come Josh isn’t beating the shit out of Mike right now? Seems like a realistic reaction. All that’s happening is a bit of shoving and Heather’s just kind of screaming at him. I’d be flailing at him!

    

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81. Like Jeremy said, I’d rather have a useless map than no map at all.

    

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82. I’m not sure betrayal is what the problem is here.
83. They’ve stopped because they’re sulking. Silly boys can’t process their emotions right now.

    

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84. Voodoo stuff? I would like to get me one of those stick things as a decoration. Would go great in my living room with my horror DVDs. I still have a lot of things to do there. It’s mostly putting up shelves (my least favourite thing) but I did myself a mischief the last time with the drill and I was all sore in the arms. I didn’t injure myself; it was just that the use of the drill affected my arm and shoulder muscles. I also want to make some display shelves for my horror VHS tapes, but I need to get some stuff for it. I seem to have gone off on a tangent. Back to The Blair Witch Project…

    

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85. I didn’t know that rednecks lacked creativity. Is that a common thing? I really want to know without having to Google, so feel free to let me know in the comments if you have the answer.
86. Apparently they say the word “fuck” 154 times, but I want to know how many times they say “man.”. It’s probably just as much.
87. Josh is full of genuine despair. Poor Josh.

    

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88. Half an hour left and we’re approaching the infamous running through the woods scene. Those kid voices outside are creepy, though.

    

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89. What the fuck is what? We never find out.
90. So we’re thinking there’s a bunch of kids hanging out with a baby in the woods in the middle of the night? Righty-o.
91. Heather thinks they’ll be okay now that the sun is up? Well, she hasn’t seen Midsommar 20 years in the future, has she?
92. The baby wrecked the tent and spilled Josh’s water! Monster.

    

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93. If only Josh didn’t knock over those rock piles. He would still have water.
94. “I will throw you in the fuckin’ woods,” he says from inside the woods. Take it away, Jeremy…

    

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95. Wait, she bit him? I always thought he said, “If you fight me again,” but she actually bit him? He said bite. What a weirdo. Heather the biter, not Mike the bitee.
96. Josh is now having a five-minute sulk by himself.

    

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97. Apparently the blue jelly shit is KY jelly. The more you know.
98. So they’re walking around in circles because the witch is altering their surroundings and messing with their perspective. That’s what the 2016 sequel says and I’m sticking with that. It makes sense.
99. Josh is starting to sound like a sleazy porn director now. “Let’s make movies, Heather.”. Wink wink.

    

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100. Apparently, there’s no one there to help them.
101. It’s weird to think this movie is only 77 minutes long. That’s only 13 minutes longer than Dumbo.
102. Is she seriously sewing while they’re talking about mashed potatoes? You do realise this is your last conversation with Josh, right? Did you even read the script?

     

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103. Aw yeah, now for all the JOSH!!!! This is my favourite part and my most quoted line from the movie.
104. Just follow the river! Or just use the dead witch from The Wizard of Oz as a reference point. Like, the West is bad because of that movie.
105. Josh is lost in the woods. Josh needs help. There’s no one there to help Josh.
106. JOSH!
107. *Heather sniffs*. Genuinely what the subtitle just said.
108. No one ever leaves bundles of sticks for me in the morning.

     

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109. Well since this one has Josh’s hair and teeth in it, I’m now kind of glad.
110. Just rocking out in the woods.

     

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111. Ew, it’s all gooey.
112. First she’s going to wash her hands off, then she’s going to put her gloves on her hands. She says both of these things multiple times. Heather is now hysterical. Don’t worry, she’s okay.

     

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113. Mike is doing that weird shouting things in the woods again.
114. Everytime I see the scene (and movie cover/poster) with Heather’s close up I always think it looks like a different person. It’s like the Scream poster that doesn’t look like Neve Campbell. I believe that it is, I just can’t see it.

     

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115. Down to the last five minutes.
116. Go help Josh!
117. Oh look, a derelict old house in the woods. In we go!

     

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118. Clearly Josh is just hanging out in here waiting for you guys.
119. Just chilling in the basement. Better run!
120. I think Mike just gently put the camera down then went and stood in the corner. There was no big kerfuffle.

     

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121. Heather, however, did make a kerfuffle.
122. I had no problems with the DVD! No skipping whatsoever.

Well that was fun. It’s my 10th favourite horror movie and one of my main comfort movies. It’s Autumny, the lack of music makes it kind of peaceful, and the found footage element gives you a nice ambience, which is why I love the subgenre. The next time I watch it, I might do it with commentary…

I genuinely enjoyed writing this, so I think I’ll do some more in the future. I had a good time.

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