There are many horror movie tropes and clichés, many of which tend to infuriate both fans and general audiences alike to the point of making a mockery of the genre. Granted, there are plenty of clichés in other genres of movies and TV, but horror seems to be the one most singled out for them. Considering that horror doesn’t garner a lot of respect as it is, you would think that the tropes were something filmmakers would want to avoid. But why? They provide in-jokes, comedy, and talking points for the horror community. Simply by mocking and discussing the trite aspects of these films, we are enjoying them, celebrating them, and having fun.
The reason these clichés, tropes, and stupid decisions exist is to prevent the movie from ending too soon. If the camp councillors hadn’t ignored Jason when he was drowning, he would have lived, and so would everyone else. But because teens are promiscuous and self-serving, the poor lad drowned, and Pamela exacted revenge, as did Jason and Roy Burns.
That being said, I have come up with some ways that might keep you alive in a horror situation. They’re probably not foolproof, and it’s probably not advised that you put yourselves in these situations, but this is more about the discussion and celebration of these tropes while at the same time fixing them. This is all in good fun and not to be taken seriously. Here are my 30 rules for surviving a horror movie: Possibly.
Rule 1: Sex gets you killed, but not for the reason you think.
Now, the most accepted reasoning for this is (particularly in slasher movies) that the virginal girl with morals will come out on top and the promiscuous tramp will be punished for fulfilling her basic human needs. I think there may be another reason for this. Sex is distracting. If you’re in the middle of a passion session, you’re not going to notice the psycho with the machete walking into the room. If you’ve just finished and are lying in bed with your smoosh buddy, totally relaxed and satisfied, you’re not going to be in any way alert to your surroundings. Just think about how much effort it is to get up and go to the bathroom afterwards (which you should try to do, by the way, unless you’re desperate for a possible UTI). It’s not the most appealing activity. Basically, if you want to have sex in a horror movie (which is totally fine as long as it’s consensual), you’re going to have to stay out of the abandoned hospital, woods, or murder house and lock yourself in a private room to avoid being caught in a vulnerable position. Actually, locking your door to have sex in a house where there are other people is probably good advice in any situation.
Rule 2: Splitting up is stupid.
People seem to be weaker when they are in fewer numbers, hence the expression “safety in numbers.” Groups tend to split up because they can cover more ground when looking for help or a way out. Of course, a large group is harder to pick off by a lone killer, no matter how supernatural it is. You may take longer to find the exit, but at least you should be able to leave with the same number of people you came in with. If you need to split up, do it in halves (i.e., a group of ten into two groups of five), rather than two people wandering off at a time. Make sure you distribute sensibly. Don’t group the dumb jocks and cheerleaders together in one half and the nerds together in the other. You’re going to need muscles and brains working together. You know, in case some puzzle solving and boulder pushing is called for.
Rule 3: An abandoned location is a terrible place for a party and/or sleepover.
Abandoned means no help for miles if something goes wrong. I know the lack of prying eyes and police presence is more appealing for illegal activity, but there are ways to drink beer, smoke pot, and have premarital sex discreetly without having to sacrifice your safety. Also, those places are abandoned for a reason. Let’s take legends and hauntings out of the equation here. That abandoned asylum or hotel could be rife with asbestos, and who knows what kind of virus or bacteria was left behind by its former residents? That abandoned warehouse could be a hidden location for mob activity or a place for secret government experiments or meetings. That camp could have been vacated due to dangerous wildlife or unsanitary lake water (see Kim Possible). It may seem like a cool place for teenagers to party and get high without getting caught, but is it worth the many dangers it could pose to your life?
Rule 4: Hotels, motels, hostels, and caravan parks are also big no-nos.
Whether it’s haunted or run by a killer, you’re better off renting an RV with your friends and alternating driving and sleeping so you don’t have to stop. Or you can just sleep in your car. The most obvious argument against these travel lodgings is the Bates Motel. Then there are the motels from Vacancy (2007) and Identity (2003), the caravan parks from The Strangers: Prey at Night (2018), the season 5 episode of The X-Files “Bad Blood,” and Hostel (2005). As far as hauntings go, The Shining (1980), 1408 (2007), The Innkeepers (2011), and Disney’s Tower of Terror (1997) are all examples of why you shouldn’t check into a hotel in a horror movie. You won’t check out. Also, if you have an RV, stay away from the desert. You’ll avoid the mutated cannibal family that way.
Rule 5: Don’t touch that ancient artefact or read from that book.
Remember in The Mummy (1999) when Evie said that no harm ever came from reading a book, then stupidly said that no harm came from opening a chest in the sequel, only for something bad to happen both times because she did these things? Learn from her mistakes. If you see that book of the dead, leave it alone. There’s a reason why Eric got the worst of it in the Evil Dead (2013) remake. He read the book, despite all of the warnings. When Dana read the random diary in the cabin basement, she summoned a zombie redneck torture family, and apparently blowing a conch shell would have summoned a murderous merman. Also, looking at the Ark of the Covenant when it is opened will cause your face to melt. Best leave it be.
Rule 6: Use those legs.
One disservice horror does to women is how they react to threats. How many times have we seen a female character standing and screaming nonstop as a monster looms upon them or a killer stalks towards them? I’m looking at you, Trish! Jason will kill you if you don’t move. Those legs aren’t just there to keep your body off the floor. RUN AWAY! If a killer has entered your home, go out the front door and run until you reach safety. Hiding isn’t going to do you any good, and you don’t want to get trapped upstairs, where the only way out is through a window. If that is the only other option, take it. Do. Not. Hide. You’ll only corner yourself. Remember Susie from the beginning of Jason Takes Manhattan? She hid in a small hole in a boat and was slowly stabbed, and all she could do was scream, cry, and beg for her life. Now that’s a sad way to go. If you trip, get up! Your adrenaline should have kicked in by now, which should give you temporary invincibility—like when you die in a video game and come back flashing to prevent death for a few brief seconds. If you’ve twisted your ankle, walk it off! A limp is better than a stabbing. If you’ve broken the heel of your shoe, take them both off! Remember what Jesse Eisenberg says: Cardio is important. Also, if you’re being chased by a car, please, for the love of all that’s good and spooky, don’t run in a straight line down the road where it can easily follow and catch up to you. Veer off into the nearby woods/building/crowded street. And for Pete’s sake, throw in some zigzags!
Rule 7: Just let it ring…
There are many times throughout the Scream franchise where Sidney could have just not answered any ringing telephone nearby. The most notable is the one in the sorority house in Scream 2 (1997). You don’t live there! Why are you answering someone else’s phone when, for the last year, no good has ever come from you answering a phone? Someone hasn’t watched The Mummy franchise, which started two years later. Is it a compulsion? If you’re constantly bombarded with prank phone calls and death threats, maybe you should just ignore them. The only logical reason to keep answering the phone is if you’re babysitting, and it could either be the police who are tracing the call or the parents you’re babysitting for.
Rule 8: If that out-of-the way town/villages’ inhabitants are always watching you, GTFO!
In Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982), our two protagonists enter the small town of Santa Mira, where the workers of the Silver Shamrock factory live. As soon as they arrive, all eyes are on them, staring out of windows as they drive by. There are also plenty of security cameras scattered around in plain sight. Now, unless you really enjoy being stared at by complete strangers in a creepy, isolated location, then get those legs moving (remember, we talked about this before). They’re clearly hiding something that you’re not going to want to know.
Rule 9: Just like the “don’t” movies of the 80s told us, stay out of the basement and the attic.
It’s never a good idea to box yourself in when being chased or hunted. I did touch upon this when I told you to run, but I want to really hammer it home. Hiding in a cupboard is one thing, but locking yourself in an inescapable tinderbox is most certainly a death sentence, unless you know what you’re doing. Most of the time, there is something or someone creepy living in there, or there’s an abducted woman or child (see Papa Dragon’s Love Dungeon). Both locations are popular places for hiding a family’s dirty secret (see Flowers in the Attic), so snooping around is probably not a good idea.
Rule 10: Similarly, stay away from the woods, especially when you’ve never been there before.
Who wants to go traipsing around the forest in the dark when you’re most definitely going to get lost? It didn’t work for the Blair Witch kids or the multitude of victims that fell before Jason and his mother, so it’s likely not going to go in your favour either. The only time you should be running through the woods is to escape a chasing car, since they cannot follow you there without difficulty.
Rule 11: Never, ever, under any circumstances, try to navigate your way through an unexplored cave.
You know where this comes from. Juno just had to show off by leading her friends into an inescapable situation, only for it to bite her in the behind. Not only could they be crawling with dark-dwelling creatures who eat human flesh, but there could be all sorts in there. Ancient monster species, escaped criminals, junkies—you really don’t know. If you really need to explore a cave, prepare for every eventuality. Make sure every inch of the cave has been explored before, and let everyone know where you’re going. It doesn’t matter if you have to carry the biggest backpack in the world; it’s better than suffering a horrific death.
Rule 12: Why in the heckin’ feck would you choose to hang out with dead bodies?
I’ve never understood the appeal of hanging out in cemeteries. Unless you’re Buffy Summers, you have no business sitting on gravestones and drinking beer (not that Buffy does this, as she takes her job as the slayer very seriously.) If it doesn’t attract vampires, it’ll be zombies, occultists, or junkies (there aren’t enough drug addict threats in horror). And never, ever take a Ouija board to the graveyard, because that’s how you get ants. I mean, haunted.
Rule 13: That child with the resting bitch face is probably going to kill you.
One of the most disturbing ideas to come out of horror is the creepy kid subgenre. There are so many reasons why;
- They’re EVERYWHERE. Like the expression goes, there’s one born every minute. Procreation is a huge part of our society so when one child grows up, another takes its place. There is just no escape.
- Who’s going to believe that that sweet, innocent little face is masking pure evil? Even if you know the truth, no one else is going to believe you. You’re the crazy one. Or you’re just jealous.
- There are many reasons a child can be evil:
- Demonic possession
- A victim of abuse, either by Mum, Dad, or children at school
- They are born evil, like Damien
- Sometimes a kid is just messed up without it being anyone else’s fault
- They’ve been manipulated or groomed by someone more evil
- They haven’t developed that sense of right and wrong or empathy
- They’re spoiled brats that will stop at nothing to get their own way
- Sibling rivalry and the need for attention
- Their parents exposed them to things children should never witness
- Children can easily paint themselves as defenceless victims who can’t take care of or protect themselves. They can simply manipulate their way into a family (like Orphan), talk their way out of trouble with a sad face, or accuse anyone in their way of abuse without suspicion. If they start swearing, saying or doing things they shouldn’t as children, then that’s a red flag.
Given everything I’ve said, I think the only way to get rid of an evil child is to stage a kidnapping. Going to the police would be pointless; your spouse or any other members of your family probably won’t believe you. You’re basically on your own. Get on the dark web, hire a couple of criminals with no morals to abduct the child, and pray that’s the end of it. Yeah, that got really dark. It may be the only foolproof plan there is, though. Unless you can secretly set up cameras and audio recording equipment to catch their evil deeds as evidence, it’s kill or be killed. I may have put too much thought into this.
Rule 14: Be wary of middle-aged, childless couples who give off creepy vibes.
First of all, I’m not claiming that being a childless couple is bad in real life, just in horror movies. Usually, these people once had a child or children, but they died under mysterious circumstances, were killed by the parents themselves, or simply disappeared. Maybe they secretly have a child hidden in the basement or attic, either mentally ill, physically deformed, dangerous, or a child they themselves abducted. The loss of a child is one of the hardest things a human being can go through, which can lead to all kinds of mental illnesses and nervous breakdowns. The movie Villains (2019) is an example of this.
Rule 15: Suburbia isn’t always as it seems.
Whether it’s full of creepy families who may or may not be murderous, the Homeowners Association who will do anything to keep order, sinister girl scouts, or the entire neighbourhood in general, if David Lynch has taught us anything, it’s that suburbia always has a dark underbelly that we’d never expect. Twin Peaks seemed like such an idyllic place until it wasn’t. The sudden death of Laura Palmer brought to light a lot of effed-up goings on in a seemingly peaceful and tranquil little 1950s-inspired mountain town. Things were going fine for Kyle McLaughlin in Blue Velvet until he found that ear in his back garden. Joanna Eberhart was happily taking photographs after moving to Stepford with her family until she discovered that all of the wives had been replaced by robots. You see where I’m going with this?
Rule 16: Bullying will kill you.
You can only push a person so far before they crack. Carrie taught us all that. You know that quiet girl you take such delight in torturing? She could have psychokinetic powers that will unlock when she inevitably snaps. That nerd you stuff in a locker and trip up in the cafeteria could one day come into school with a gun looking for revenge. Seriously, just leave people alone and worry about your own lives and futures if you want to continue to have both.
Rule 17: The legends come from somewhere.
Those stories that teens tell around the campfire or kids tell around the flashlight at summer camp always have some kind of origin based in reality. In horror movies, we know that:
- Inmates (the sane and insane alike) WILL escape from their prison or institute and go on a violent murder spree.
- The man whose hand was cut off, the kid who was bullied by their peers, the victim of a prank gone wrong, and the scorned woman jilted by her lover will always come back for revenge. If they’re thought to be dead, they’re not.
- That weird old lady lived alone and kept to herself, so obviously she was a witch and had to be killed by an angry mob, right? She was, in fact, not a witch, but her spirit returned to exact an angry revenge. Sometimes she was a witch, so the villagers were totally justified, but the witch was still pissed enough to come back and kill their children. Freddy Krueger wasn’t a witch, but that’s what happened to him. Pretty much.
- If that abandoned building was filled with death and suffering prior to it closing down (a hospital, church, orphanage, etc.), you can bet your boots it’s haunted.
- You can only push a clown so far. He will eventually get frustrated with all of the kids acting up at parties and go on a murder spree in the key of Stitches. Clowns are creepy for a reason. Remember, John Wayne Gacy was a clown.
Rule 18: The town drunk or crazy is usually right, so give them the benefit of the doubt.
Crazy Ralph may have been both of these things but he was still right. Those teens were all DOOMED! Movies are rife with this character archetype, spouting what sounds like unlikely nonsense with no evidence whatsoever. Of course, these aren’t just the poppycock ramblings of the insane, but the wise words of an open-minded non-sceptic.
Rule 19: Eventually, technology will be the death of you.
Our over-reliance on smartphones, computers, and televisions will definitely be taken advantage of in a horror situation. Texts and phone calls from ghosts, cursed videos, cursed websites, phone tracking, hacking, snuff videos, and online prank videos will all produce the same results. Death. And don’t even get me started on A.I..How do we avoid it? Remember rule 7? DON’T ANSWER THE PHONE! If you’re getting strange phone calls or texts, get rid of the phone. Even if it keeps magicking itself back to you because of supernatural interference, stand your ground and keep tossing it. Toss it in the nearest body of water if you have to (fingers crossed you don’t wake up with it on your bedside table in a glass full of rice). Unplug the internet, throw out your computer, or just wait patiently for the sweet release of death. It’s up to you, Sport.
Rule 20: Trust the stare of the animal or child.
Dogs, cats, and infants can always see ghosts. Their innocence and lack of scepticism allow them to see what we don’t want to. Even young children have this ability, although most adults put it down to an imaginary friend and laugh it off. Dogs don’t have imaginary friends, and neither do cats. Babies haven’t developed an imagination yet, so they don’t have this level of creativity. If your dog barks, your cat hisses, or your baby points at nothing, get those legs moving. And don’t forget to pick up the living being that alerted you to that presence.
Rule 21: Don’t piss off the locals and expect Southern hospitality.
The backwoods, mountains, and deserts are usually full of danger. Not only can you get lost, be attacked by animals, suffer the elements, fall down a cliff, or possibly drown, but there are also the residents who might be shady. The hillbilly trope doesn’t do many favours for Southerners with simpler lives, but it does bring about a sense of dread and creepiness with their slower drawl and suspicion of strangers. I’m sure there are more harmless hillbillies than murderous cannibal ones (see best buds Tucker and Dale). It’s the ones that really keep to themselves that you have to watch out for—families that don’t venture outside the home, but the local police and town doctor know enough about them to not be concerned. You’ll hear that the mother and/or father died years ago, leaving the boys alone. Yeah, she’s still alive and procreating with her sons. This plot gave us the creepiest episode of The X-Files, which unnerved even me. Then there are the families that no one knows about. The ones that live in the middle of nowhere. Whether it’s in the mountains, like in Wrong Turn (2003), or the desert like in The Hills Have Eyes (1977 & 2006), leave them alone and keep your distance.
Rule 22: If you don’t know them, don’t trust them.
When we’re kids, we’re taught not to talk to strangers. The same goes for horror movies. Hitchhikers, strangers who come knocking on your door in the middle of the night claiming that their car has broken down, and vehicles or people on foot who are clearly following you. Very rarely are they legitimately good people, unless they serve as a red herring to distract you from the very real threat who’s just snuck in through the back door, climbed in through the window, or is lying on the back seat of your car. Always check the back seat.
Rule 23: Forget the financial loss for now; just get your family out! Unless you’re in Sinister, of course.
If you move into a house that has clear signs of being haunted, leave. Even if it hurts the resale value, it’s not worth the lives of you or your family. Yes, that painting’s eyes are following you. Yes, the room where that big family mass murder occurred is full of unrested spirits. Yes, the basement with the large pentagram on the floor is bad news. Leave the box of 8mm film in the attic alone, get in your car, and never look back. Note: Never trust an ominously opening door. If you have to repeatedly close a door that you or a family member aren’t opening, especially when it should be locked, and you continuously hear it creaking in the middle of the night, then you definitely have a ghost problem. Or a serial killer is hiding there, waiting to pounce. Also, also, also; never open a tiny door!
Rule 24: If they only come out at night, they’re man eaters.
Are your new neighbours nocturnal? Is the new kid at school unusually pale and sensitive to sunlight? Do women enter the neighbour’s house only to never emerge again? Then you may have a vampire problem. If this is the case, binge-watch Fright Night and other vampire media, stock up on vampire-slaying necessities, and prepare to fight for your life. It doesn’t matter how handsome or charming they are; unless you want to join them it’s kill or be killed. Little known fact that I learned from The X-Files, which is more of an abandoned trope, Vampires are OCD and you can distract them with a bag of rice, which they will feel compelled to stop and count. This is what inspired the Count from Sesame Street.
Rule 25: Avoid the Frankenstein Place.
If your car breaks down in the middle of the night in the rain and the only place nearby is a spooky-looking castle/mansion where the residents are only too happy to let you spend the night, then tough it out by sleeping in the car until morning, then hoofing it to the nearest phone in a less sinister location. It didn’t work out great for Brad and Janet or the group in The Old Dark House, so chances are it won’t be great for you either.
Rule 26: Never run after that distant figure in the abandoned building.
See something at the other end of the corridor? Is there a child running around that you don’t know, giggling away like they’ve had too much sugar? Think you saw a dead loved one while in a haunted house? Leave. It. Alone! Never, under any circumstances, follow or chase a complete stranger. They will get you killed. It doesn’t matter if that person claims to be trapped in the house like you; you don’t know their level of competency or if they’re really the killer. Don’t gamble with your life like that. This isn’t Vegas.
Rule 27: Researching your foe.
There aren’t enough characters that spend time in a library or looking up information on the internet about their new adversary. There are a few exceptions, such as The Ring and The Bye Bye Man, but I can’t help but feel that a lot more characters would benefit from a small amount of research. I’m not suggesting a long and excruciating stint on Google. It’s just that a quick search may be highly beneficial to your survival. Hell, even Bella Swan took to a search engine to find out about werewolf and vampire lore in the beginning.
Rule 28: If you live in the middle of nowhere, prepare to be invaded.
Deadbolts on the doors, bullet-proof glass on the windows, a panic room, and a backup generator with phone access should be standard in isolated houses, as they could save your life from a home invasion. The Purge taught us that good home security isn’t much use when it’s just for show, especially when a group really wants to come into your mansion, leaving you and your family pretty much helpless. If a stranger comes knocking at your door looking to borrow eggs while claiming to be a friend of your neighbours, maybe call said neighbours to confirm. Always check the IDs of service people (electricians, plumbers, etc.). Don’t just take them at their word. I feel like this is just human 101, but in horror, logic and reason go right out of their non-double-glazed windows.
Rule 29: Keep an alternative mode of transportation in your car.
When being chased, you are almost guaranteed to suffer car trouble as soon as you leap into the driver’s seat and turn the keys in the ignition. Either the car has been sabotaged—ala Jason in the Friday the 13th video game or Naughty Bear—or you are so hysterical that you have suddenly forgotten how to start a car correctly. Either way, you’re not going to be escaping in your vehicle, and running is so tedious. This is why you should keep a bike in your car. It might sound a bit ridiculous, but would you rather try to outrun a killer or speedily cycle away from the nut job? I would also recommend keeping a spare key up front in a hidden spot in case you lose your main one, which is also highly possible since you’ve done so much running away. So tedious!
Rule 30: Lock the bathroom door.
The bathroom is one of the most important and widely used rooms in the home, or in any building, for that matter. So it stands to reason that you might be spending some time in there when a masked intruder or monster comes knocking. Ask yourself this: “Would I want to die on the toilet?”. What about in the shower, in the bath, or when you’re standing at the sink brushing your teeth? These are some of your most vulnerable moments, and I’m sure they would grant you no dignity if you were murdered in them. So, how do you prevent this? Lock the door. Or put a chair against it. Something that may prevent an embarrassing and untimely demise from occurring when you’re naked and wet or have a mouthful of toothpaste.
And that’s how you survive a horror movie, possibly. There are no guarantees in life, and there are certainly none in horror. Perhaps this might help you live a bit longer, if not survive the whole situation? Fingers crossed, and good luck to you, brave soldier.
Linsey Loves Horror 
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